Thus, as the anticipation of Christmas begins, as people begin to plan their Christmas celebrations together and prepare for the festive season, this blog addresses the deep human need to be heard - a need that we cannot fulfill alone. We hear and are heard thanks to each other. If only we knew how to give each other space and the opportunity to be heard, the suffering in the world would decrease considerably.
Truly listening to others is an important skill, the mastery of which significantly improves human relationships. A good listener is able to create an atmosphere of trust around them and understand others more deeply. Here are 20 tips, based in part on interaction techniques used in psychotherapy, to help you develop your listening skills. The list may seem long and impossible, but don't let the length of the list discourage you. Pick even one subject area that you develop in yourself, and you can already notice changes in communication situations with it. None of us are perfect when it comes to communication!
We hear and are heard thanks to each other.
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Don't think that listening is only for the other person. Note that it's for you too : Listening is not just about helping the other person, it's also about benefiting you. When you give the other person a chance to be heard, you strengthen your relationship and create a closer connection. At the same time, you also learn a lot about yourself: you see how you react to another's thoughts and feelings, which can increase your self-knowledge and empathy. Hearing the other person's experiences helps you understand not only them, but also your own feelings and thoughts better.
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Be genuinely present : Be mentally and physically involved in the conversation. When you turn off the phone and other distractions, you communicate to the interlocutor that you value his thoughts and feelings. This kind of focus can sometimes require conscious effort, but it allows for a deeper connection.
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Show you're listening : Use nods and other nonverbal gestures to show you understand and are following the conversation. Look the person in the eye during the conversation. This encourages the speaker to continue and shows that you value what they have to say.
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Avoid interrupting : Let the other person finish talking without interrupting. Interrupting can make the other person feel that their opinion is not important. If you have to comment in the middle of someone else's speech, do it briefly and respectfully, for example by apologizing for the interruption and justifying why you feel compelled to say something right now.
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Avoid judging : Keep in mind that the goal of listening is to understand the other person, not to criticize or correct their views.
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Be patient : Don't rush the other person or try to fill the silence with your own comments. Let the other person think and answer at their own pace. Patience strengthens trust and gives the other person space to express their thoughts authentically.
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Recognizing emotions : During a conversation, it is important to detect and understand the other person's emotional states. This skill deepens the interaction and helps you acknowledge and respect the other's experiences. When you show understanding and appreciate the other person's feelings, you create the basis for a trusting and strong human relationship.
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Mirror Emotions : When you speak to another's emotions, for example, "You seem really concerned about this," it helps create emotional resonance. At the same time, you show that you take the other person's feelings seriously and understand their experience. This reinforces the feeling of being seen and heard, which is an effective means of increasing the depth and authenticity of the interaction.
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Show empathy : Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand their feelings and experiences without prejudice. Empathy creates a connection and helps to deepen the conversation.
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Identify silent communication : Also pay attention to what is not said out loud. Facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice can say much more than words.
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Do not take the conversation to yourself : The conversation should not turn to the listener's own experiences or feelings. This helps the listener stay fully focused on the other person's words and feelings, which is crucial for showing empathy and creating a genuine connection.
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Ask open-ended questions : Open-ended questions encourage discussion and allow the speaker to express himself more deeply. Ask, for example, "How did you experience that situation?" or "What thoughts does this evoke in you?"
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Reflective listening : Reflective listening means e.g. repeating what was spoken in one's own words. This helps ensure that you get the main point right and shows the other person that you are really listening and trying to understand
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Clarifying questions : If necessary, also ask clarifying questions. These questions can open up new perspectives and deepen your understanding of the other's experiences and feelings, as well as strengthen your mutual understanding. Don't make assumptions about what the other person is saying; if you are not sure, ask for clarification. One of the most typical mistakes in communication is making too quick assumptions or interpretations.
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Avoid collusion : As a listener, it is important to try to remain neutral about what you are hearing and avoid collusion with the person telling the story or against what he is saying. This means that you should show empathy and understand the situation or issue, but at the same time maintain an appropriate distance and avoid completely adopting the other person's point of view, whether it is the point of view of the person telling the story or another party. Such an approach helps you to see the situation from a wider perspective and support the person telling the story in such a way that they feel truly heard, without taking an active role in their story.
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Free-floating state of mind : By using a "free-floating state of mind" in conversations, it is possible to improve listening skills and understanding of other people's thoughts and feelings. The principle of a free-floating state of mind is to keep an open mind and let the conversation flow freely without preconceived expectations or goals. This means not focusing too much on individual words or trying to steer the conversation down a certain track. Instead, both one's thoughts and feelings and those of the interlocutor are allowed to flow freely and are listened to. In this way, you can notice relevant details in the conversation and better understand what the other person really thinks and feels.
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Listen to your own counter-feelings : Counter-feelings are the listener's own emotional reactions that arise in response to the words or behavior of the person telling the story. By listening to your own counter-emotions, you can better recognize personal reactions and understand the person telling the story and their situation more deeply. Counter-emotions embody how the other's words or actions resonate with the listener's own experiences or feelings, providing valuable additional information about what the other may be experiencing or needing. They can also help you understand how other people might experience situations with the person telling the story. This understanding improves the ability to respond empathetically and support the interlocutor more precisely.
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I-communication : When it's time to speak for yourself, prefer the so-called me messages. It is a communication style that emphasizes the expression of one's feelings and experiences without blaming or criticizing the other person. This approach reduces defensiveness and conflicts and promotes understanding and closeness between interlocutors. An example of I-communication: instead of saying, 'You're always late,' you could say, 'It hurts me and I feel worthless when I often have to wait for you alone.
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Take care of yourself : If you feel tired or irritated, tell the other person and suggest a better time for the conversation. Sometimes a break can help you listen better.
- Develop your listening skills regularly : Listening skills can be practiced and their development is beneficial. Use these techniques in interaction situations and receive feedback constructively.
When I get provoked by what I hear
To avoid being provoked during a conversation, try to recognize your rising emotions and pause to think about your reaction before responding. Deep breathing helps to calm the body and mind, allowing you to think more carefully about where your feelings are coming from and why this particular situation makes you feel provoked. Try to understand if the feeling is related to, for example, past experiences, insecurities or your own values. This introspection will help you better control your reactions. Remind yourself that the goal is not to win the argument, but to understand the other side and find a constructive way forward. If necessary, you can also ask for a short break before answering, so that you can process your feelings and react thoughtfully.
A good listener does not just passively receive information, but actively participates in the understanding process.
When listening is not interesting
If you find that listening feels difficult or distasteful, stop to examine where the reluctance is coming from. There can be many reasons behind it: maybe the topic doesn't turn you on, or maybe you feel that your own views have not been taken into account before. Sometimes the difficulty in listening can stem from the fact that showing empathy feels challenging. This can be related to past disappointments or pain points in relationships. Fatigue – whether physical or mental – can also cloud the ability to concentrate. Sometimes the background of reluctance can be self-centeredness, which prevents stepping out of one's own perspective and accepting thoughts that challenge one's own beliefs. Such feelings and situations are understandable, but recognizing them can help you find ways to overcome obstacles and open the door to better interactions.
Listening is not just receiving, but building meaningful interactions and internal connections.
Finally
Improving listening requires self-examination and active work to modify one's own attitudes and behavior patterns. Listening skills do not develop overnight, but continuous practice will advance them over time. These tips will help you develop as a listener and significantly improve your relationships. A good listener does not just passively receive information, but actively participates in the understanding process. He tries to connect what he hears to a wider context, recognizes meanings and creates connections between people as well as in the narrator's own experience. So listening is not just receiving, but building meaningful interactions and internal connections.
